


melodrama

by CAROLINee505



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Daddy Issues, Domestic Violence, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, M/M, Poor hyuck, Sad Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, not super graphic though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:47:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28499295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CAROLINee505/pseuds/CAROLINee505
Summary: "People make a serious mistake in thinking that you give to those whom you love. The real answer is you love those to whom you give. If I give something to you, it means that I've invested myself in you. Since selflove is given, everybody loves themselves, now that part of me has become a part of you, there's a part of me in you that I love. So, true love is a love of giving, not a love of receiving."Where Donghyuck struggles to love himself while loving someone else.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 21





	1. he tied a leash to my eyes

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story of melodrama, I'm writing for the nitty gritty loves, I'm sorry TT But don't worry, this chapter is pretty much all cute n happy! I'm a slut for angst, but I love a good saccharine moment. I also love writing Hyuck, I feel like I can do so much with his character. I hope everyone likes the first chapter!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added links to some playlists that match this chapter in the end notes, if you wanted to look at that >x<

Donghyuck never thought he would be receiving a lesson on folding clothes, but here he resides in the middle of his shared dorm being lectured on the correct way to pack socks into suitcases. He knows Taeyong doesn't mean any harm, but does it really matter what compartment his socks go into? Donghyuck doesn't even think most of them have a match. 

"You can do the rest Hyuck, I know you're not paying attention to me." Taeyong begins to stand up from where he sat with his legs crossed, scrutinizing Donghyuck's suitcase.

"Hey, at least look at me!" 

Donghyuck opens his mouth and lets out a small fake snore, pretending to have fallen asleep, and lolls his head back against the footboard of Jaehyun's bed. Taeyong lets out an exasperated sigh, but sits back down to finish the younger's packing anyway. They were just one night away from boarding a plane to America, and of course the maknae had to put off packing until the last minute. Taeyong couldn't blame him though, their schedules had been especially gruesome to prepare for the upcoming tour and the members had barely gotten time to pack for themselves. It was only because Taeyong had packed almost a month in advance that he got it done. They don't always show it, but the members are immensely grateful that Haechan deals with his stress through healthy teasing and loving skinship. It's so much better than some of the other member's irritability. Even if they brush off his clinginess or scold him for being too loud, they appreciate his resilience, or aversion to self-seclusion, even if it must be taxing. Honestly, Taeyong wouldn't have been surprised if Donghyuck had actually fallen asleep on the spot. 

So when Taeyong finishes packing for the boy and turns to find his limbs limp and eyes shut in an impenetrable sleep, he just lifts him onto the bed without a fuss. He makes a step to leave, but takes a moment to glance at Donghyuck's sleeping figure. He has such an innocent, but soulful expression as he sleeps. Taeyong feels a sudden overwhelming protective and motherly instinct; he knows Donghyuck would give anything for him, for NCT, and he knows they need to do a better job showing they would return the favor. Taeyong begins to remember the days when Donghyuck was just a trainee, giving his all to practicing and overflowing with exuberance at any time of day. Taeyong truly believes he is the embodiment of the sun. Even on an off day, Donghyuck will make his members laugh until their lungs hurt and provide all the comfort they need. Suddenly, Taeyong feels bad for ever brushing off the boy's skinship; for all the comfort Donghyuck gives, he deserves to hang on his Hyung's arm for a few minutes. Taeyong studies the placid, untroubled face for a few moments longer before leaving Haechan and Jaehyun's shared room with a tiny smile on his lips. Donghyuck is so strong; he gives everything his all and can find happiness in any situation. Taeyong doesn't need to worry about the boy.

\---

Donghyuck fell asleep as soon as they got to their hotel room. He was sharing with Mark whom he had no filter with, so he was already unashamed to drop on the bed and become dead to the world for a few hours. He knew he wasn't the only one utterly exhausted from the long flight, and especially the mob of fans that came to greet them when they arrived, because he could hear Mark's lethargic rustling in his suitcase as he looked for pajamas. Donghyuck couldn't even be bothered to change; he was no stranger to falling asleep in jeans from the exhausting persona he had to keep up with. Make no mistake, he loved being a ball of energy and joy for his members to leech off of, but sometimes it was just so _draining _.__

Nonetheless, Donghyuck harbored an overwhelming love for his job. He was born to perform and he knew it. He was confident, he knows what he wants and he knows how to get it. But Donghyuck's favorite aspect of this career was its effect on others. He LIVED to please. He does it for the members, for his fans, for his family. He will dedicate everything he has to make them proud. He yearns to be other's sun; to be a reliable rock of comfort, someone they can trust and rely on. He drifts off to sleep with a fleeting memory of putting a smile on his mother's face when he performed for her in their dinky living room. He was just six years old, and it was the first time he felt the undeniable satisfaction from giving. It floods through his veins like liquid candy, electrifying and addicting. He drifts off as his mind creates a slideshow of pleasant moments. He can't even remember the last time he had a nightmare.

\---

Donghyuck wakes to the mellow rays of dawn, slotting into the room from the window. They had forgotten to close the blinds or curtains in their exhaustion, but Donghyuck finds he doesn't mind. The sky was the color of the cherry blossom tree rooted in the front yard of his childhood home, when it would bloom in the springtime and he would leave his window open at night so he could wake up to the soft petals blowing onto his bedspread and gathering on the windowsill. He would collect them in his pockets and hand them out to everyone he saw in the morning. He feels a pang of longing from the image of his classmates wide smiles when he handed them the velvety petals, and it gives him a great urge to enliven his members and fans.

He was always an early riser, to most peoples surprise. Donghyuck likes to make the most of the day, sleeping in makes him feel like opportunities are slipping through his fingers. His father used to sleep in. Donghyuck remembers hearing him clamber drunkenly through their front door well past a decent time, clumsily making his way up the stairs and into the room he shared with Donghyuck's mother. He never witnessed what happened on those nights, but he could see the aftermath in the tremble of his mother's fingers when she lifted a spoon to her mouth, the barely concealed bruises, and increasingly soulless look in her eyes after every episode. Hate would radiate off of him in waves, thoughts plagued with negativity. Why would his mother be downstairs making breakfast for her children before school, clear tear tracks on her cheeks, while he was sleeping until one pm?

He aways felt a scorching shame when he would tell his father about a good grade in school, or learned something impressive, seeking validation. He couldn't help reveling in the praise, guilt burning a hole in him, striking straight through his stomach and singeing the wall behind him.

Despite his disgraceful indulgence, his mother always fixed him with a fond gaze. It seemed to say, "It's ok. I understand. And I love you.". It burned another hole, right through his heart.

(Donghyuck began getting up at the crack of dawn to scrub the scent of alcohol from the walls, pick up the shards of glass his father seemed to always bring home with him, rid the floors of debris he carelessly stomped into the ground from where he wobbled in a drunken stupor between the sidewalk and muddy soil. Every time his mother's gaze flashed behind his eyelids he scrubbed harder, picking up the shattered remains of alcohol bottles until his hands leaked slivers of blood. He would light sweet scented candles of his mother's favorite scents and hide them around the house, blanketing the air with a comforting aroma. He told himself it was to mask the scent of alcohol and make his mother happy, but secretly he wished one day the candles would finally catch the house on fire and burn it to the ground while his mother was at work, him and his siblings at school, taking his father with it.)

When his eyelids fluttered open and he began to make his bed and get ready for the day, he realized something.

Donghyuck was homesick.

He felt so silly. They hadn't even been in America for a day and he already missed his home. He decided to make himself toast with the crust torn off in the shape of a heart like his mother used to, but now all he could think about were his mother's dainty hands and kind eyes and oh, he missed home so much. Donghyuck needed to pull himself together. He shoves the murky feeling in his stomach to the background and starts building up his facade, masking his despair for the members. No one had woken up yet, and Donghyuck was craving their comfort. The cold of the floor tiles seeped through his socks, and his veins froze over. He was going to be extra clingy today. There was no food in their hotel as they had arrived only the night before, so Donghyuck just orders food for the lot. He's used to preparing breakfast, being one of the early risers; normally Taeyong and Taeil would join him, but considering the long flight from the day before he wasn't surprised they were sleeping a little later than usual.

He settles himself in a lone chair by the window and watches the street below, pulling his knees to his chest. While he misses his quaint home in Jeju, Donghyuck adores the city. Despite the constant mayhem, he feels at peace. He watches the interactions, business men and women running through the streets on important phone calls, joggers weaving through the chaos like fish in water. It's a collection of stories and personality, and he finds the mysterious anonymity alluring. Donghyuck watches a young child and mother walk through the street, hand in hand. They both hold overflowing cones of ice cream; normally a strange sight, but for some reason it doesn't seem out of place on the streets of New York City. Suddenly, the child is jostled by one of the many business women literally sprinting through the crowds like they're going to be late to The Last Supper. His ice cream slips out of his hand, splattering on the ground at a sickening velocity. Donghyuck can almost hear the child's sob from the fifth floor of his hotel, his chest heaving with the sudden loss. His mother doesn't bat an eye, just wordlessly hands the boy her cone and his expression brightens like nothing ever happened. The mother gingerly wipes his tears, takes his unoccupied hand. The hand reaches up through the window and slaps his cold cheek. Ungrateful, it says. They disappear into the flow of the crowd. Donghyuck feels a tear leak from his eye.

"Good morning, Hyuck-ah."

Donghyuck hastily wipes the tear and puts on a vibrant pretense, turning around in his chair.

"Taeil Hyung! I'm so excited!" he makes grabby hands towards the elder, and finds himself enveloped in a homely embrace. Taeil's hands stab straight through his chest, arranging his heartstrings back into place.

"Me too, kid. I never understood how you have so much energy in the mornings, I'm jealous." Taeil remarks as he ruffles Donghyuck's hair affectionately.

Except Donghyuck would be dead weight in the morning if it wasn't for his members. They give him the energy he needs to get through the day, and he's so grateful. Sometimes, he feels like a parasite leeching off of his members. But today is a good day, so all he feels is content with the life he draws from the older. He knows there's no love without giving, anyway.

"It's not really my energy, though" He lets slip from his mouth before he can stop himself, mumbling into the fleecy pajama shirt fabric. Taeil still hears him though, and Donghyuck can feel him loosen his hold as he tries to get a good look at him.

"What do you me-?"

"Hyuck, why did you leave the fucking window ope- Oh, Tail Hyung! I'm so sorry I didn't realize anyone else was awake..." Mark interrupts before Donghyuck has the chance to explain. He blushes, rubbing his neck awkwardly. He doesn't miss the cold glare Mark sends him from across the room, icicles protruding from his veins as they freeze over again.

"Hey, don't glare at me! I just ordered breakfast for everyone!"

"I would enjoy it more if my brain wasn't fried from waking up at ass-o-clock-"

"Kids, stop fighting. Hyuck-ah, what did you order?" In the midst of their arguing, Taeyong had made his way into the room.

"Actually, I just texted manager Hyung to pick up some breakfast for us..." Well. It was something, at least. It's not like Donghyuck's English skills could get them anything other than cheeseburgers or coffee, though he would never admit that.

"Thanks. Taeyong and I will start waking people up, why don't you two set the table or something? I thought I saw some napkins in the cabinets last night, and there should be plates in there too." Taeil gives Donghyuck's hair one last ruffle and removes his arms from where they had been wrapped around the boy.

"And try not to bicker, it's 7 am for god's sake." Taeyong adds.

\---

Mark eventually got over his initial irritation; they were in America, and Donghyuck was trying extra hard to share his enthusiasm. They exchanged excited banter as they set the table, and soon the older members started trickling in. Everyone seemed to have a certain pep in their step, even Yuta, who slept like the dead. Taeyong allowed him to be extra clingy, letting him hang on his limbs and even sit in his lap. They really were in a good mood if they put up with his inordinate affection. Breakfast passed with little fanfare, everyone preparing for a day of interviews and sightseeing. The first event on their schedule was a particularly long interview, and Donghyuck was nervous. He might say the opposite, but his English is not very strong. Donghyuck never payed attention to that class in school, and he doesn't use it often enough to have confidence. He doesn't want the others to grow suspicious, so he makes sure to be extra lively to make up for his shyness later during the interview. He boosts the act even further when he notices Taeil giving him concerned looks.

They leave for the interview not much later, splitting up between three cars. Donghyuck leans his forehead against the car window, gaze raking over each building they pass. The city feels so alive, people milling around unrestrained in the turbulent streets. He feeds off of its energy, breathing in long drags of the buzzed air, tries to store it in his anxiety-riddled bones. He feels a bit of his confidence return. He's done interviews before, why should he let a switch in language phase him?

\---

They arrive about an hour early to prepare hair and makeup, but the stylists don't do much. They're a lot more casual here; they don't bother to slather his face in foundation three shades too light, he only gets a quick grooming of his hair and a little eyeliner. Donghyuck doesn't know how to feel about this. He likes their confidence in his looks, but without the makeup he's quite visibly darker than the other members. What if the fans don't like it? He can't help but feel nervous when he compares Doyoung's milky skin to his tanned skin tone. No, he can't start thinking like this. Donghyuck has always been proud of his honey complexion, and he knows his fans love his skin. _you hate when they cover your skin _, he reminds himself.__

The building is extremely busy, different celebrities and an innumerable amount of staff congest the rooms and halls. The group had finished their preparations about forty minutes early, and now stood huddled together at the end of a hallway. It was a bit disorganized, staff frantically running around calling names and numbers, but it was probably inevitable with how many people they were hosting. Donghyuck refused to let the members out of his sight; he was thoroughly terrified of getting lost in this chaos. He felt so insignificant, he couldn't understand a lick of conversation around him and no one was making an effort to clue him in. The English speakers were in deep conversation with some singer he'd seen but doesn't remember the name of, and the other members were just as clueless about what to do as he was.

Donghyuck decided the least awkward thing to do was just pull out his phone and pretend to read some texts he had already read weeks ago, just to avoid confrontation and uncomfortable stares. He had never felt so out of place. Since when did Donghyuck avoid confrontation? He felt as if every trace of extroversion had betrayed him, leaving him a shaking, nervous wreck in front of all these talented celebrities. He closed his eyes and took a long, deep breath. _You love being social, you always feel confident in the crowd _, he reminds himself. Donghyuck steadies himself and opens his eyes, pulling his newfound resolve to the surface of his skin. He's looking around for a member to drag with him while he parades around the room seeking conversation, when he realizes:__

He is completely alone.

There's no sign of his members anywhere in the hallway. Donghyuck is two inches tall, looking up at giants speaking in gibberish. He lets out a meager "Where did you go?" but the Korean syllables don't mix with the overwhelming American filing the room. There was no one to hear him here. Pathetically, his eyes well up in tears. Why, just when he gained back his bravado? Why would they leave him? Suddenly, he feels a hand on his shoulder. Then, perfect Korean in his ear.

"Are you alright?"

Donghyuck slowly turns his head to look behind him, though no amount of hesitance could have prepared him for the sight. Before him stood the most beautiful human being he had ever seen; Long, dark curls stopping just before dainty, but broad shoulders, sharp eyes pierce through his in a concerned gaze. The man was the definition of youthful beauty - he could feel the boyish energy radiating from his elegant figure. Better yet, he spoke Korean. He watched lavish angel wings emerge from his back. They extended and wrapped around the two, blocking The idol from anything but him, him, him. Standing there in all his grace, all Donghyuck could do was stare. Was he dreaming?

"Really, are you alright?"

He was in a trance. The Boy was the picture of elegance: right down to his bookish, scholastic accent. Even in a hallway overflowing with people, his nose was bombarded with The Boy's scent. The smell of old books and crushed tea leaves tickled his nostrils, and he couldn't get enough. He took deep breaths, not wanting to waste a drop of the smell.

"Do you need to sit down? I can probably find a private fitting room... Honestly, you look ghastly. Are you feeling ok?"

When he feels a soft, warm hand envelop his, he's dragged back to reality (rather regrettably). What is he doing boggling over a _boy _? The full force of his situation hits him, and he feels his knees almost buckle in distress. He's lost his members, his backbone, his means of communication, wait this boy speaks Korean, oh wait this boy speaks Korean! He grips the hand in his tighter and tries to come up with a coherent sentence. The Boy's striking features are making it damn difficult.__

"I came here with a group, but I got separated from my members. I don't speak English well, and I don't know what to do."

He knows he probably has a crazed look in his eye and he's trembling like a terrified puppy, but The Boy seems unfazed. He holds Donghyuck up with calm, steady hands and replies in a relaxed tone.

"How many members are there? They couldn't have gone far, we can search for them. You're here for and interview, right? They won't start without you, I promise." He gives a gentle smile, his eyes looking down at him delicately.

"How do you know Korean?" Donghyuck decides to ask in his surprise, instead of answering the vital questions. What the hell? If The Boy didn't think he had a screw loose before, he definitely thinks so now.

"Actually, I'm Korean. I know, don't look it, do I? You seem a little out of it, I'm just going to look for any Korean-looking people and hope we find your group." He teases, but not unkindly. For some reason, Donghyuck felt immensely comfortable. He was relaxing his muscles one by one, basking in The Boy's aura. But really, why the fuck would Donghyuck ask that? The Boy was obviously East Asian in his features, and he spoke the language. He's compelled to run away and never show his face again, but the understanding in the other's face makes him stay. Just barely though, the idea of crawling under a rock and dying still sounded terribly appealing.

"Oh my god I can't believe I just said that..." Donghyuck mutters, covering his face in (not entirely fake) horror. "We're NCT 127, there's ten of us, I think our interview is scheduled for 3?" He says quietly, still scared from being abandoned so suddenly. The Boy just pulls his hand and motions for him to follow as they make their way around the building, asking if anyone has seen about nine or so young Korean men. Yes they look mental. No, they don't care. Donghyuck is too desperate to dwell on it, and the other is just so good at making them seem sane. He has a way with words, Donghyuck admits. The world turns it's head when he opens his mouth.

Eventually they have gotten most of the staff searching with them, courtesy of The Boy's eloquent speech. Walking around with this boy, or even being near him just made you feel superior. Everything he did, the way he moved, every detail was regal. Even the most mundane things like a wave of his hand seemed vastly grander than the rest of us.

When The Boy took his hand, he handed him a matching cape to wear with him. It set them apart from the others; no, the others didn't exist. It was just them.

After about fifteen minutes, he was reunited with his members. Actually, Taeyong found them. They watched the leader frantically make his way towards them, unusual anxiety tangled in his shoulders. Just before he reached them, Donghyuck looked up at The Boy with a sorrowful expression, upset at the inevitable, but abrupt ending to their encounter.

"What's your name?" He asks.

"Emery."

"Emery..?" Donghyuck asks bemusedly, the syllables foreign on his tongue.

"I'm only half Korean, babe." He teases with a smirk, and winks. Did he see that right? Did he just WINK? At _HIM _?__ Donghyuck's eyebrows raise into his bangs at the use of the pet name. He feels high off of the confidence oozing from The Boy's character.

_Emery. His name is Emery. _For some reason, it fits.__

"Donghyuck, seriously, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." Taeyong wraps him in his arms, wearing a guilty expression.

"It's ok Hyung, I should have been paying attention." Donghyuck thinks his ribs will crack under the pressure Taeyong applies, if not from the crushing disappointment he feels in himself.

"No Donghyuck, Hyungs are responsible, and we lost our maknae, of all people. You know America is very different from Seoul... Who's this?" Taeyong finally registers there's been a boy standing next to him, literally holding his hand, his effortlessly dignified stance filling his vision. Suddenly, he can't look away. He's all sophistication and grace; his long limbs, the gentle slope of his nose, his thick eyelashes that fan over refined features. His essence screamed young excellence and old money, sporting polished shoes and an antique but modish sweater. His jewelry was dainty and feminine, but he exuded such boyish, youthful energy. It felt like the world revolved around him in that moment; the staff and celebrities maneuvering only in relation to him, the lights shining for him, on him.

Taeyong's enchantment showed clearly on his face, but Emery was unfazed. He seemed used to it. After all, the world bowed at his feet. Who was Donghyuck to think he was special, that he was more than his stunning Hyung? No, Donghyuck paled in comparison. Suddenly, he was two inches tall again.

"You're from NCT 127, right? I think we've had all the staff running around like Tom and Jerry, trying to catch you. Except you probably don't know what Tom and Jerry is. So, who is it that I've been rallying with?" Emery turns to him with a fond smile, as if he held the world in his eyes. Donghyuck digressed; now he was ten feet tall with a cape draped over his shoulders, the world at his feet.

"Oh, I'm Donghyuck," He says with a charismatic lilt, feeding off of The Boy's spirit. _Emery _. "and this is Taeyong, he's blushing becau-" Taeyong gives him a playful slap on the arm, which felt more forceful than playful but he'l let it slide, and turned to face the stranger.__

"Don't believe a word he's said! We're good memb-"

"Hey! I didn't say anything, only tha-" Taeyong slaps a hand over his mouth, not even taking a CHANCE for his image to be tainted. Emery just laughs his incredibly melodic laugh, clearly amused.

"Who are you, though?" Taeyong asks, eager to know more about the charming adolescent.

"My name is Emery, I speak Korean because I am half Korean, as Donghyuck so kindly questioned me about. I am a professional pianist most of the time, and I talk the rest of the time. That's why I'm here, really. Could probably talk my way into anything." He flashes one of those dazzling smiles and stuffs his hands in his pockets. Somehow he looks smooth doing the motion; Donghyuck would look awkward and uncomfortable, but his movements flow like liquid. It's evident nothing coming from him could look awkward.

"So you can speak English?"

"Yes?"

"Can you help us get to room 1408? I kind of bolted when I realized Donghyuck was missing, so now we're all lost..."

"Of course! My interview doesn't start for another hour or so, and honestly this is the most interesting thing that's happened to me in weeks. Piano spods can be gloomy as hell. Last week my colleague invited me over for drinks and we ended up watching her dead parents' forty five minute wedding reel for ""inspiration"". Quite depressing, isn't it? I've been leaving little flowers clipped to her doorbell ever since, I hope she's doing alright. And yes, I call my fellow pianists colleagues, I could care less if it's a competitive profession. Your room is on floor four, so I think we'll have to take the elevator. Or the stairs, if you're into that. On our way back from a recital, my cousin didn't tell me his fear of elevators out of embarrassment... let's just say, that ride didn't end pleasantly. It's not fun scrubbing vomit off of a nice dress suit. That got morbid, didn't it? Elevator or stairs?"

The sun doubled and tripled in size, until it compressed into a boy with a beaming smile standing in front of them. Taeyong was almost falling to the floor in amusement, and Donghyuck doesn't think he would ever get used to that. He talked so _freely _, with vivid expressions. It's so rare in the idol industry, and no one in their group was so... loquacious. Donghyuck had heard him use the word earlier, and he's been holding onto everything that comes out of his mouth like it's precious.__

"Elevator is fine..." Taeyong gets out around his splitting smile. Oh, he is _staring_ staring _ _.__ They lock eyes while standing on either sides of Emery, making their way towards the elevator at the end of the hallway. _Who is this guy? Is this god? _they communicate with their eyes. The people they pass exchange words with Emery, everyone gravitating towards him. Does he know everyone here? Or is he just so approachable?__

Normally, one would think a ride in an elevator with two guilty friends and a stranger would be awkward. Not with Emery. It was anything but; his wild conversation filled the cart, serenading their ears, engaging them. Donghyuck veins thawed from the warmth, it pulsed through his face, chest, stomach, hands, hand...

His hand was still encased by those slender, delicate fingers. They fit together perfectly.

Flowers bursted from their skin, swelling until they stabbed through the two of them and filled the cart with their floral excellence. He was consumed with warmth. Emery's body molded to his, filling the missing cracks and holes. He fit, so well. Honestly, Donghyuck couldn't imagine Emery _not _fitting in. You could put him with a group of aliens and he would appear at home. Better yet, he would make everyone else feel at home. The ultimate gift, he thinks. Donghyuck would grip his hand until the earth crumbled and all that was left was their charred remains, if only life would let him. He didn't want to let go, not when they departed the privacy of the elevator, not as they walked through hallway after hallway, not even when they stopped in front of the door to room 1408, Emery still going on about his extensive perfume collection. Only then did the comforting presence retreat, both their hands feeling bare with the sudden loss. Emery's left-handed, he notes. Again, it fits.__

"I guess I'll go find someone else to bother, I'm glad you're all reunited. I would ask you to watch a recital one day, but a lot of people find them dreadfully boring. Ah fuck it, come to a concert some day?" He asks with a hopeful glint in his eye, yet still exuding confidence. Like he knows we'll say yes. Because of course, we'll say yes.

"You perform, just you, in concerts? What is it like?" Taeyong can't hold back his curiosity. He'd never been to a piano recital, and the only thing he can picture when he thinks concert is a dance performance, or live singing. Is it just him, alone? How talented can someone be, to be able to sit at a piano alone, just you and the keys, with such a high chance of mistake? It sounds so raw, no way to mask a mistake, nothing to separate him, the sound, and the audience.

"I haven't really thought about it in years. It's a weird concept, right? To be performing alone, completely reliant on your own ability? Really it's all I know, and all I ever knew. I think it makes it all the more sensational, not having any barrier. More personal. Though it can't be all that different, can it?"

But it was. The difference was a world apart, a bottomless abyss between the two. The thought of nothing, no background music, supporting staff, his members, made him shiver. How difficult it must be to master that, to get used to the solitariness? Can you ever get used to that? If Donghyuck shivered at the thought, no one needed to know.

"No, I guess it can't be that different. Where are you performing next?" He questions, leaning back against the wall.

"Carnegie Hall, Monday, 8pm." He smiles that charming smile. It bit through his flesh and carved a smile into his pulsing heart. It beat erratically, and bled for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is entirely fictional, obviously there's no famous pianist named Emery in real life, plus I'm not actually following the NCT tour timeline. I'm kind of bullshitting my way through this, if you couldn't tell. So if we make a leap in time, or I add a comeback/promotions that didn't actually happen, you didn't see that. :)
> 
> So... how do we feel so far? Obviously it's not the best writing (I don't have an editor or even a script here lmao, just me in all my mediocre-ness) but I thought it was a pretty cute chapter. Uhmmm, kinda loving Emery!? Like so much<3<3 I can't wait to write more about him, about them all really. I'm not sure where this is going, but it will probably get sad, and fast. I'll always throw in fluff regularly, and I don't think I'll make it TOO sad, I'm not evil. I hope you've liked this story so far! Stay tuned for more chapters :)
> 
> In the meantime, here's a little playlist for Emery. I know since he's an original character it might be hard to get a grasp on his persona, but here are a few to describe him and his vibe, u know?
> 
> 1 ~ [his personality](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7d6N9KcXYY53GX8etsgr9t?si=J3-wyRp1S6KsfKzlIIhMpg)
> 
> 2 ~ [his vibe](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0lqq0OY74JMKBf4rMmpnEZ?si=NtZqxAalRheITokq2VeQhA)


	2. Bleeding on the inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with chapter two! I hope everyone likes it :) No Emery here, but it features a lot of Hyuck's mental struggle. Also, Taeyong <3 It's pretty fluffy, especially towards the end, but the angst is beginning...

Donghyuck and Taeyong enter the room to a full-fledged scolding. Johnny, Jaehyun and Mark were being berated by four red-faced furious men, cowering with guilty looks as fingers were being pointed and spit flew. Taeil looked like he couldn't choose between crying or fighting while standing in front of the three, chiding simultaneously in anger and disappointment. Everyones eyes flew to him when the door opened, their beady gazes unsettling and comforting at the same time. He felt like he just gained back all of his pieces on the chess board, resuming his safe position in the game. The floodgates opened and relief poured from his members, they collectively exhaled and Taeil made his way over to embrace Donghyuck. That seemed to start a trend, soon all his members were clinging to him like he had been abducted. Except he realized, _he could have been abducted._ The magnitude of the situation hit him full force. He has so many loving members who need him, and he just _gets lost?_ He can't be this careless ever again. Donghyuck doesn't deserve the hugs, the worry, or even the anger. This was his fault, his responsibility. He deserved punishment.

_No it wasn't your fault, you got separated in a crowded building. It happens,_ he tells himself. Except he can't bring himself to believe a word.

He absorbs the affection anyway, with heavy reluctance. Burns blister on his skin in the shape of his members caresses, making caustic welts all over. One day his illusions will manifest in reality, and his members will scramble away in disgust. For now, they cling to him in oblivion. 

"Hyuck, we really didn't mean to leave you. We promise. We were so worried," Doyoung sounds like he's gone through all five stages of grief. "I'm sorry. We're so sorry." There was a chorus of apologies, but he turns them all down.

"I wasn't paying attention, I don't blame you all. Isn't this place so hectic? Taeyong and I couldn't even find our way back to the room, we had to get help!" he says in attempt to drag the attention away from his fault. It seems to work, the members visibly relaxing at Donghyuck's usual display of vibrance. Taeyong seems to snap back to the present at his comment.

He and Taeyong share a look. It connects with a sharp understanding: the boy will stay a secret. For some reason, he feels too multifarious to put into words. It's like playing a complex game without instructions; you have to meet him to understand. He's pretty sure if they started trying to explain the encounter they would just sound like obsessive fangirls anyway. Taeyong still has that cloudy look in his eyes that you get after you've opened all your Christmas presents, and Donghyuck's blood is thrumming with leftover euphoria. They're one step away from clasping hands and spinning around each other in their intoxicated stupor.

Luckily they're ushered into another hair and makeup room with just ten minutes left until their interview. The English speakers linger behind, a weight compressing each spinal vertebrae until they've shrank inches shorter than the rest. Donghyuck feels their shame just as much as they do. He turns around and decides to confront them, letting the others move ahead. Johnny is the first to speak up.

"Hyuck, we're so sorry. We should have been paying attention." Donghyuck almost snorts at the paradox. Isn't that what he's been telling himself this whole time? can't they understand that this falls on his shoulders, not theirs? "We... We got carried away in conversation, and being in a place where everyone speaks English is just... a lot. Most of the people around here aren't willing to sit around for translations, you know? We feel terrible, we should have been thinking about you and the others instead of being social when you all so obviously could not." Mark continues Johnny's words in a surprising display of maturity. Donghyuck is developing spinal degeneration from it all. Yet he stands tall, sealing away his feelings. Those come later, at the dead of night, when the sun isn't out to guide him and the moon is there to taunt him. For now, he will be strong for his members.

"I don't blame any of you, don't feel upset. I can get lost without your help, you know that. Hyuckie can be cute _and _capable, right?" He does his unbearable aegyo at the end, raising his hands to frame his face. He hates it, but seeing his members' shoulders lift makes the display worth it.__

Jaehyun begins, still looking a bit skeptical and more than a bit guilty, "You know New York is different tha-"

"I'm a strong adult now! Don't underestimate me! Look, I can pick up Mark with my strong arms!" Donghyuck interjects. He moves behind a terrified looking Mark, attempting to get his arms under his knees while they're walking. He's not confident that he can actually pick him up, but it would just make the others smile more if he dropped him, so. (with the exclusion of Mark, he would be too busy trying to murder him) He looks around and sees soft smiles on their faces. Thankfully, no more persuasion would have to take place.

He actually does drop Mark, successfully gathering the attention from just about everyone in the room. If it's to get back at him for being bitchy about the window, no one needs to know.

\---

The group is back to their usual sentiment, and Donghyuck shoves his negativity to the back of his mind. His initial anxiety returns, but its quelled from Emery's lingering essence. It's calming and encouraging at the same time. His bones may still feel weak, but his confidence has been spurred. The room is a fishbowl, the windows busting with water pouring in at an alarming speed. But whereas before he would have suffocated, his newly gifted gills draw in the water with poise. The efficient respiratory system creates miniature bubbles in the water, and he watches the room swim in his vision. For the first time he's swimming at the bottom with the rest, instead of flailing at the top for a gulp of air like usual.

"Donghyuck?"

He turns around to see Johnny with a concerned look on his face, their feet planted on the ground once again.

"We can't lose you again, kid. Come on, they're finally taking us to the interview. Is everything okay? You look a little out of it."

"Sorry, I was just trying to remember some vocabulary or something. I am English master!" He says the last part in English, something he heard once from Chenle, plastering a bright expression on his face. Telling Johnny he was just a fish with bright blue scales and gossamer fins would be exceedingly disturbing, so he keeps that to himself.

Johnny just chuckles and leads them back towards the group. They file into a white room with camera equipment and microphones everywhere, two rows chairs placed in the middle. He's placed at the end of the bottom row, but he finds he doesn't really care. He manages to get a few full sentences in, which he's extremely proud of, and the questions are engaging. His enthusiasm doesn't go unnoticed, because he can feel the rest of the members' smiles growing. For once, he doesn't feel like a leech. His responses are his own, and while it's frustrating not being able to express himself to his content, he still feels proud. He understands about 70 percent of the dialogue, and the members provide him a translation for everything else. He's not complacent enough for his cape to billow from his shoulders, but it drapes proudly over his arm. 

It's so different from the interviews in Korea. It has a relaxed feel and the staff are immensely patient with the language barrier. The questions are a mix of informal and formal, and all the members are lively. The English speakers may get a little more attention, but they have more to say. Above all, the interviewees are _respectful._ They don't ask imposing or controversial questions, and they maintain a comfortable energy. The questions are upbeat, but relevant. It was well crafted, something he didn't expect from such a frenzied building. They finish with a little cheer, and are hurried out of the room so the staff can prepare for the next interviewee in their busy schedule.

In their frenzy, Donghyuck forgets to return the microphone clipped the the front of his shirt. He could ask a staff running around to return it for him, but it seems bothersome to interrupt them. He wants to thank the staff for being so regardful as well, so he just tells his members he will make a quick visit back to the room to drop it off. When he gets to the door, he sees the two women who conducted the interview reviewing some footage from their interview and discussing something important-looking. Of course ever curious Donghyuck was going to eavesdrop. As much as he hates the concept, he just can't bring himself to avoid the urge. They look deep in conversation anyway, so he feels it would be rude to interrupt them. He shuffles behind the door a bit, putting his ear up to the crack by the hinges. He can make out their conversation clearly.

"His voice is kind of annoying, isn't it? We should cut these parts out."

"His legs don't match with the other members, even though we put him on the bottom row. We're going to have to cut off the footage at the bottom. Isn't he the youngest? I thought he would be... smaller."

"Do you think he's in the shadows? Go ask the camera crew if that section of light is being blocked by anything..."

"That's just his skin tone compared to the rest of them, Sarah..."

He tears his ear from the door. His eyes well up with pathetic, wimpy tears, and they slip from his tear ducts before he gets a chance to quell the flow. How could he be so gullible? Of course the interview didn't go well. Donghyuck ruined everything for his group. He raises his hands to his shirt in attempt to remove the microphone, but his hands have grown into gnarled, monstrous claws with talons and a sallow crimson hue. The sharp nails claw at his neck, his chest, but he can't grip anything. He's not sure what they're looking for. Tear his veins? Mangle his skin? He's breathing erratically as he runs into the nearest room with a restroom sign. He's pretty sure it's the women's bathroom, but he couldn't give less of a shit at the moment, not when he's trying to claw his neck into shredded remains. 

He throws himself towards the mirror in terror, thinking the talons are on the verge of carving into his esophagus. Except when he catches his reflection it's just him, his usual knobby fingers, and angry cerise streaks slashed across his neck. Donghyuck knows this is the last straw; he knows he's gone insane. There's no way he's going to admit that in words, so he needs to figure his shit out. By himself. Soon. He splashes cold water on his face and rubs the skin he peeled back with his nails. He even popped blood vessels, glaring red and purple splotches littered across his nape. How was he going to cover this? He knows his members will question him. At least he didn't have long nails. Though not even a minute ago, he was pretty certain he did.

He decides his best option is to just play it off as an itch. Not the best cover, but what else was he going to do? Tell them he's in need of psychotherapy?

He takes one last moment to dry off his face and neck, then exits the bathroom. His suspicion was right, it was the women's bathroom. He gets more than a few startled and concerned looks as he just came out of the _women's bathroom_ with _scratches on his neck_ but again, he can't bring himself to care. He's been away from his members for too long, they've definitely become suspicious. He discreetly leaves the microphone hidden behind a frame in the hallway, just so he can get back at the two faced staff. Yes, he's petty like that. He remembers about thirty seconds later that they can find the microphones with sound signals and feels like an idiot. It was an effort, at least.

As expected, his members fret over his neck when he returns.

"Oh my god Haechan, did you get into a fight?" Jungwoo has an extremely shocked expression. He guesses he does look a bit scrappy. Everyone's heads whip towards him at Jungwoo's comment. He gets a variation of stricken and horrified reactions. Was it really that bad?

"Haechan-ah, you were just supposed to be returning your microphone! What happened?" Johnny's concerned face swerves in front of him.

"It just got really itchy, I couldn't help it! Wait, who asked if I got into a fight?" He narrows his eyes and pouts for comedic affect. Thankfully it seems to soften the mood, because most of the members have stopped staring at him like he's returned from a bar fight.

"Did any of the makeup artists put something on your neck? We need to know if you're allergic to something, Haechan." Doyoung is still petting his neck, observing intently for god knows what. Really, he looks like he's trying to find Waldo in the scrapes.

"Yeah, I think I remember them spreading something on there," He lies. "Probably for the darkness." He adds for believability. All he gets are bewildered looks.

"They tried to lighten your neck?" Taeyong's eyes are almost bulging out of his head.

"Well... I did look like a shadow compared to you all..." He tries, hoping to ease their nerves, but he's made a mistake. Of course his members would be upset, they're too nice for their own good. Can't they tell he doesn't belong? At least the artists would have been trying to help, at least help something he can change. Suddenly, he realizes why the claws had attacked his neck. They were trying to rid him of his voice, something he is unable to change.

"Donghyuck, that's not right. Never let the stylists do that, okay? Come get us if they try anything. Look at me, Hyuck-ah." Donghyuck lifts his eyes to Taeyong's face from where they had been trained on the floor.

"Your skin does NOT need to be lightened. Do you understand?"

He bows his head, the nauseating feeling in his stomach multiplying in magnitude. "Yes Hyung. I'm sorry."

Yuta just fishes out some skin cream from his bag and begins applying some to his neck. The members look well upset. This interview could not have gone any worse.

"You can't hide things like this Haechan. You have to tell us, we're here to help you." Jaehyun says with a raw voice.

"I know, I know." He mumbles. There's no way he's ever doing this again. The members don't bear responsibility for his issues, they're for him to solve. Donghyuck _hates _being a burden.__

Soon the group resumes their usual mood, but the unsettling feeling in his abdomen never subsides. It's waiting, skulking around until the sun abandons the sky and the brilliant glare of the moon casts shadows on his good and highlights the bad. The members organize a group dinner on their way to the split vans. He babbles, laughs, enjoys himself. If anyone notices he doesn't take a single bite of food, they don't say anything.

\---

As soon as the group gets home, Taeyong pulls Donghyuck into his shared room with Jaehyun and locks the door. They had been sharing looks throughout the day, and neither had really processed the interaction from earlier that day. Donghyuck was glad. Taeyong was saving him from the moon, the darkness that prowls his mind during the night. Here, he was safe. This distraction was grounding him, keeping him away from the bottomless pit that was his imagination.

"New York is fucking crazy." Taeyong locks his eyes with Donghyuck, too many emotions rolling across his face to decipher.

"Yeah." he replies. There was a loaded silence, the two of them just standing in the center of the room, eyes linked. Taeyong's gaze burns into the back of his skull. Then they fall side by side onto the bed, laughing so hard their lungs ache.

"Oh my god."

"Yeah."

"Do you think everyone is like that here?"

"Does it look like it?"

"Right. He was special."

"Taeyong."

"Yeah?"

"We're going to a fucking piano recital on Monday."

They fall into another round of giggles, lungs bursting. Glittery fireworks explode outside the window, dazzling against the black of night. They ignite the sky.

"What are we even going to wear? Did we bring super formal clothes?" Taeyong glances at his meager suitcase, regretting not packing his entire closet even if it would have been a pain to get across continents.

"Of course that's the first thing you think about. Hyung, what are we going to tell the members? What if we have something scheduled?"

"We're ditching it. All we have to say is we're going out, I can win the managers over and the group never has to know." Taeyong has a mischievous glint in his eye Donghyuck rarely ever sees. It feels like a whole new side has come out, sparked from just one person. Donghyuck loves his usual orderly behavior, but he might love this side of his Hyung even more.

Donghyuck admits he was never this close with Taeyong, and he regrets it. The age difference made a gap in their relationship, and he always felt that his immaturity got in the way. The weight of this moment hits him hard: They had never shared such mischievous looks, talked so informally, or cuddled with just themselves before. Donghyuck had believed there were always members more suited to share this intimacy with Taeyong. Now with the little secret just between the two of them, Donghyuck has an excuse to feel as if he isn't a burden, but more a close friend, or little brother. He loves it. He loves the attention he feels, the fond looks, the _closeness _.__

He decides he does not want to be on his own tonight, or leave Taeyong's side. At all. He knows it's selfish, but he's too insecure. What if Taeyong changes his mind? What if he realizes how faulty Donghyuck is, how corrupted his mind is? He feels the black mold in his brain intensify, the wires wrapped around the gyri tighten their grip. For now, he'll indulge. He's corroding, it's only a matter of time before Taeyong notices anyway.

"Hyung, can I please spend the night in here?" His brain leaks blood from where the wires slice into the flesh.

"Of course. You know you can always come to me, right? You never express any real problems or distress. This is the first time we've really spent time like this, too. I'm sorry Hyuck, you don't deserve that." Oh, he could not be farther from the truth. If Donghyuck confided in Taeyong, he would jerk away in revulsion and admit him to a psych ward. Blood pours from his eyes, nose, ears, mouth, staining the sheets they lay on. Taeyong just pulls him closer and rubs his hand through his hair.

"Let's go let Jaehyun know he's been kicked out. Is Mark upset with you?" Oh right, Donghyuck was rooming with Mark. He probably will be glad to get some time to himself, or at least away from Donghyuck's annoying presence.

"Yeah, I think he's still upset because I left the window open last night and it woke him up early this morning. You know I always like to open the window, I just forgot everyone else would be really jet-lagged. He'll probably be glad to get a night away from me, anyway." He confides, and gives a soft laugh.

"Don't worry, he'll get over it. Isn't that a stupid thing to hold a grudge over? He went to bed early anyway."

"He says morning people will never understand." Taeyong laughs, and they make their way towards the door.

"I guess we wouldn't understand, then." He gives Donghyuck a cute wink, and leads them into the living area where most of the members reside.

\---

They had rented out an entire hotel floor; a luxury compared to the usual cramped hotel rooms SM provides. They are only traveling with one group and are earning profit from the tour, something Donghyuck isn't used too. He feels grown up, spending his time with adults in this expensive apartment-like floor. The other members are also clearly floored, as they are spread out across the vast living room with various levels of awe on their faces.

"Jaehyun!"

Jaehyun had been sitting on the floor across from Yuta, Doyoung, Taeil and Sicheng, playing some obscure card game. It actually looked fun, and Donghyuck loved games that stimulated his brain, but he was set on spending his time with Taeyong. At that moment, nothing could compare to lying in his Hyung's arms, gaining the affection he craved for so long.

"What is it? Did something happen?" Donghyuck is suddenly aware he looks suspicious and guilty sulking behind Taeyong, hiding behind his shoulder. He quickly moves out into the light and turns his lips into a teasing smile.

"We're kicking you out tonight! You can sleep with Mark!" He says with a giggle, clinging to Taeyong's arm.

"Yeah, you're switching rooms with Hyuck-ah tonight. Come get your pajamas or something." He says with a smile, rubbing Donghyuck's hair lovingly.

Instead of looking upset or irritated, Jaehyun just looks pleased. He had noticed Donghyuck's strained, or superficial relationships with his Hyungs, particularly with Taeyong. The sight in front of him made his heart warm. They looked truly happy; even if it wasn't him who instilled this joy, he was glad they were finally growing close. He suspects should be next in line to spoil their maknae with love.

"Ok, I'll go change now. Don't peek at my cards you guys..." He narrows his eyes at the others participating in the card game. They all laugh and promise to keep their hands away, but Donghyuck sees the scheming going on in their brains.

Unbeknownst to Donghyuck, Mark watches them retreat to the room feeling rejected. He didn't mean to make Donghyuck feel upset, he was over the whole window thing. Was he upset with _him _? Donghyuck did have a rough day, maybe he just wants comfort from their leader. Still, Mark wishes Donghyuck would go to him for consolation.__

Jaehyun gets two pairs of pajamas out; one he folds and throws over his arm, the other he folds and lays out on the bed.

"Here Haechan-ah, you can wear these to bed. I know you got into a little fight with Mark, so you can just stay in here."

Donghyuck feels ashamed. Did everyone notice his small feud with Mark? He thought it dissipated after breakfast, but he guesses not. "Thank you Hyung. I'm sorry."

"Oh, don't apologize! We can't get along all the time, I understand. He'll come around tomorrow, ok? Just get some rest in here for tonight, and spend some time with Taeyong." Jaehyun gives a genuine eye smile and his hair a little ruffle before exchanging a proud, knowing look with Taeyong. He leaves with the familiar warm feeling in his stomach.

Taeyong and Donghyuck settle back down on the bed and just talk. They talk for hours, catching up and learning so much about each other. Taeyong tells about his sister and how she used to prepare lunch for him in the mornings, how he actually enjoys doing tasks like laundry and washing dishes, and how he's scared of caterpillars because he once climbed a tree and had multiple crawl into his clothing. Donghyuck reminisces on his childhood, talking about his old friends and stories from school, but he doesn't talk about his mother. He wants to so badly, his beautiful and kind mother deserves it, but he doesn't think he could without being overcome with emotion. For now, this is enough.

They fall asleep wrapped up in the blankets and cuddling, their throats dry from talking for so long. Donghyuck feels warmer than he has in years. Even though the day could not have gone worse, he thinks the night could not have ended better. He feels loved.

The wires fall slack, letting his imagination run wild. He dreams, vivid, unrestrained and chaotic. It's a good dream, full of love. He feels _soft _.__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly: I did not expect anyone to read this, let alone _like _it. Thank you so much for reading, and I can't believe some people actually left kudos! I love all of you!  
> __
> 
> __Second: What relationships are you guys wanting to see? I've done a little bit of Taeil and Jaehyun has got some time coming up, but it's mostly been Taeyong. Who are we hoping to read more about?  
> _ _
> 
> __Third: I just really love you all. Thats it. <3  
> _ _


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